“Oh it’s going to be all right
This is love…this is life
When times get tough and still worth the fight
This is love, this is life
The road here is paved with the broken-hearted
We have gotta finish what we started
Oh we gotta hold on tight
This is love…this is life!”

“This is Love, This is Life” Bon Jovi

Failure. That dreaded word. More than likely, we all experience it more often than we wish. That missed promotion or lost job. A divorce…maybe even a second one. Many of us, when we experience failure, feel as though we have a scarlet “F” on our chests, so we hang our heads in shame and hope to God that no one asks us any questions that will force us to reveal how badly we have messed up. When we fail, it reveals something about the worldview upon which we have built our lives. There are two types:

1. The Contractual Worldview:

In the contractual worldview, you choose what you want from life, figure out how to get it and then follow the rules. The most prominent rule in this worldview is: If you desire B, then you must do A to get it. For example, do you want a promotion? If so, then you must obtain a degree and acquire a certain amount of experience. After you do those things, you will eventually get that promotion.

2. The Freedom Worldview:

In the freedom worldview, you accept that bad things happen and that your flaws and your dignity are both natural parts of your humanity. This means you accept the fact that just because you want a promotion and do all the right things to get it, there is no guarantee you will; and it also means that if you don’t get a promotion, there is still hope it all will work together for the good.

Most people start at the contractual level, which works fine until it is tested with inevitable failure and suffering. While it is working, you can be proud of yourself, even if your pride is disguised as gratitude. But when failure and suffering hit, creating a crisis, it is easy to assume that you somehow didn’t follow the principles well enough and to slide into the belief that someone or something failed you.

However, the moment this worldview stops working, an opportunity is created to embrace and learn from failure, giving you great potential for growth and healing. The following three gifts are among those available to you, if you stop fighting the fear and shame of failure and embrace this radical perspective:

1. Self-awareness: When you examine all the shaky foundations on which you have built your life, you can readily see who you really are instead of who you wish to be. Living in this type of truth is the only way to allow real growth and healing to happen. Experiencing pain in the present is the best way to unlock the unresolved pain of the past and to walk out true resolution. Knowing where your incredible dignity and strength, as well as your weaknesses, lie allows you to figure out who you are and to build an authentic self-esteem.
2. Other-awareness: The more in touch you are with your own pain and the more you lay down the false images you have created of yourself, the more you realize you need relationships. And your connections with others will be so much better when you are able to connect with them out of who you really are vs. the image you likely would have projected in the past. Organizations like Alcoholics Anonymous provide models for that sort of truth. People in AA don’t pretend that they are not broken. As a result, they can help each other in significant ways, because people who are part of those communities know how to ask for and how to receive help.
3. Awareness of more: When things fall apart, oftentimes the larger life questions come into play. These questions are about what is really important to us and whether we only pay attention to such things during times of pain and suffering. I believe that the boldest decisions, the kind that lead to a more fully engaged and authentic life, come on the heels of suffering, because what is important and what is not becomes crystal clear at such times.

My father’s death in 2005 was a seminal, life-changing event for me. I returned from his funeral with a commitment to what I call going to the Land of the Happy, Healthy and Free, and on a mission to invite others on this same journey. Since that time, the biggest changes and boldest decisions in my personal and professional life can be traced to this period of deep pain.

The Bottom Line

We all run into failure and pain at some points in both our personal and professional lives. No one has a perfect career in which everything goes right. So, when it stops working at work, you have a choice: Fight the chance to grow and try instead to find a quick resolution to the pain, or embrace that pain as an opportunity to make a transformation like no other you have ever experienced.

Will you stay stuck in a contractual worldview with your false sense of control over the events in your personal universe? Or will you join those of us who are on a journey towards the Land of Happy, Healthy and Free? I guarantee you that this journey will not be easier; in fact, it may be much harder because your heart will be more alive and vulnerable than it has ever been. But the pain you experience on your journey will be the healing kind that also offers you hope.

In a 2010 episode of the television program “Grey’s Anatomy,” neurosurgeon Derek Shepherd performed an extensive and painful surgery on a patient named Greg who was suffering from a massive and complicated tumor. After the surgery, Greg panicked, due to the incredible pain he was experiencing. Derek comforted Greg and his mother by telling them that Greg’s pain was “healing pain” and “victory pain,” because they beat the tumor.

When it stops working at work for you, there will also be pain involved. The essential choice you must make will involve deciding whether you want it to be the “shame” pain of one who is in denial or the “victory” pain of one courageous enough to embrace and learn from it.